Deathbeds
by Porny-Pixie
Summary: Oliver Sykes is a mess. Hard drugs, falling out of love & a secret that's driving him insane, He can't seem to keep his head above water. Among the mess of his life, he seems to find himself discovering a love he never thought he'd have. Oliver Sykes/Hannah Snowdon.
1. Every second soaked in sadness

**T**he beat of the slowly progressing house music thumped through the floors, vibrating the heart and lungs of every single person who's shoes made contact with the floor. They felt it within their bones as they moved in and out of sync of the tempo, ever speeding ever slowing. All except the small group of lads and lassies that stood in a huddled circle in the darkest corners of the club— Oliver, Tom, Matt & Amanda.

The sykes brothers couldn't hold back the grins that broke out over their faces in excitement as the Drummer pulled a little bag of pills free from his pocket. Waving them in front of the two more than willing lads in front of him. Amanda tried to play it cool, regardless of the urge tickling the back of her throat to taste the bitter pills, rolling her eyes at her boyfriend and his brother, she wished Matt would just hurry up already.

Matt and Oliver had smoked joints from the moment they got up, laughing at simple sentences and breaking down movies to find the meaning behind them, even if there was none. Eating all the crackers and crisps they could find and wasting the day away staring at mindless television and video games they'd played a thousand times before. That was until Tom had walked in, simply asking;

'**Fanceh goin' to a rave?**' in his Sheffield accent that he shared with his friends, blue eyes searching the bloodshot eyes of his brothers and friend for an answer. When Oli's eyes scrunched up with laughter, Matt joined him, pulling a pillow out from under himself to smack Oliver with it. Promptly answering for the brunette.

'**Too right, mate!**' A grin broke out over Tom's face as he picked up the joint from the ashtray and sat with his best mates.  
Amanda had simply been dragged along, she'd been hiding in Oli's room since he'd moved to Matt's. Using her boyfriends laptop and calling her contacts, looking for someone who could hit her up with something, anything, so she didn't have to ask Oliver to do it for her again. Oliver had come up to get dressed, blood shot eyes, a grin from ear to ear; He'd danced to the silence that surrounded her, asking her;

'**Comin' out wiv us?**' with a sweet smile and a goofy strut; Hell, it was better than sitting there strung out as balls, maybe he'd get something tonight and he'd share.

They had all piled into Tom's van, Matt dressed in his usual beanie and Drop Dead shirt and plain jeans. Tom in a Drop Dead bomber jacket with a snap back, Plaid jeans hugging his legs. Oliver wore his usual over sized deathbeds vest top, Snap back resting on the back of his head; His jeans clinging to his legs making him look as skinny as he was. Amanda found she only had the patience for a little black dress, some studded heels and a lot of lipstick. Oliver and Amanda sat in the backseat, Music blaring through the speakers made it hard to hear what the lads upfront where talking about.

"**So.. wots wrong wiv ye'?**" He called over the speakers to Amanda, Who looked out the window with disinterest in the whole situation. She was bringing everyone down, that's why Oliver was voted to sit with her.

".**.Bit strung out**." She answered honestly with a heavy sigh, hoping Oli would offer her something. A lanky arm outstretched around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him, drawing a smile from her painted lips. His own lips pressed against her cheek, facial hair scratching her soft skin.

"**Don't worry love, Matteh's got somefink he says we'll enjoy**." Finally eyes meet his, Blue ice meeting with almost pitch black saucers. Big mistake, that guilt bubbling in the pit of her stomach at the sight of her high boyfriend. Teeth pulled at her painted bottom lip, gaze lowering to his tattooed chest, her fingers tighten in the material that covered his skin.

"**..Maybeh we should.. Y'know.. Come off this shit fer a while, Oli**." His dark brows furrowed, She hadn't let her emotions shine like this inawhile, in fact, she'd seemed like a more than willing junkie up until now. Maybe it was because she knew.. all of his, was her fault.

"**Ye'wot?**" He questioned, either he hadn't heard her over the music, or she couldn't believe what he had heard. Either way, it went ignored as they had arrived at the venue. Tom yelling **'Oi-Oi!'** As he pulled the keys from the ignition. The rest of the lads joining in with a cheer.

The night progressed as usual, Amanda making her way over to a few girls she recognized as Oliver and the boys made new friends at the bar. Ordering shots and cheering each other on to finish their drinks in a few gulps, Arms around one another as they sung whatever song was playing over the speakers. Amanda couldn't help but watch, the self destructive behavior; All on her shoulders, Oli had brought Tom along for a ride of harming himself with drugs and alcohol, but she was the one that pressured Oli to take that first hit of something a little harder than weed. That's why she hesitated, wondering how she had gotten to this point, standing there with her friends and boyfriend. Waiting to be handed a nameless drug and forget the entire night. Icy hues snapped up, realizing that Oliver, Matt and Tom were staring at her expectantly, White pills resting on the tips of their tongues.

In that moment, It became too much to bare. She shook her head vigorously, Watching as Oliver's brow furrowed, his tongue returning to its home in his mouth, along with the drug. Tom following suit after his big brother, Matt watching with joy as the two brothers grimaced at the taste. Matt was used to it by now, He was another one who favored his stronger drugs. Amanda couldn't even make eye contact with Oli as he blinked rapidly, Swallowing the dry powder of the tablet and looking at her with dark and concerned eyes. She couldn't take that look._ 'What have I done' 'Are you okay' 'Is something wrong'_ The words practically written upon his expression, Pupils dilating slowly as the drug began to scratch at the bad feeling- Making him forget the pain that had dulled within his stomach over the last year, the constant anxiety, worry and stress. _It was okay right_?_ They weren't addicted after all, Least that was the excuse Amanda had used._

His worry replaced with a large smile, Tom moaned and rested his head against Oliver's chest. Laughing slowly as if he'd just realized how funny life was, Oli's thin arms wrapped around his brothers shoulders; Giving him a squeeze.

**"Good man, Tommeh!**" He yelled, unaware Amanda had just walked away.


	2. The higher I get, The lower I'll sink

As much as Oliver cared about Amanda, he couldn't even remember what color her eyes were as the room seemed to blur and slow around him. Tattooed digits began to tingle, long skinny limbs following suit as dark lashes fluttered open and closed. Dry lips parted, voices of his brother and band mate drowned out by the music that he had only just noticed, he could hear every single sound that was compiled together to make the track. The heavy bass causing his shoulders to sway slightly as he let his eyes fall shut, tattooed arms lifting to the air as he let a large grin settle over his features. Hips swaying in time with the beat; Tom could only laugh, joining Oli as he seemed to get attention from the other patrons of the bar.

Eyes shut- completely blissed out on the music, as if he was dancing to the parts only he could hear. People watched him, enthralled, his infectious joy spreading to them; coaxing the strangers out of their shells to do the very same. Lose themselves, Matt laughed hysterically at the situation, he was no where near as high as Tom or Oliver. Tom could only nod his head in time with the song, feet tapping against the floor in time with the beat; they weren't exactly on the dance floor. Yet people seemed to be imitating them. Pausing suddenly, Pink tongue darted out to dampen dry lips, eyes fogged up and groggy. The music seemed to be getting faster, yet the room got slower. He couldn't see straight, Tattooed palms outstretched, he grabbed the front of Matt's shirt.

**"I feel like 'ah swallowed ah' cloudy sky."** He couldn't hear himself speak, but he felt the warmth beneath his palm being replaced with something cold and damp as he was handed a bottle of wine. It would do. Almost pitch black eyes stared, wide and unfocused at the floor as he felt his brother stumble against him, his own legs becoming weak under him.

**"'Ere ya' go mate!**" He could hear the faint chuckle of Matt's giggle as he unscrewed the lid and brought it to his lips, grasping the neck of the bottle like a true alcoholic. After a few long gulps, he presses the bottle back against the warmth of matt's chest. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and holding onto Tom for dear life.

Tom didn't seem to notice, only grabbing Oliver's arm and lifting it like he'd won a fight. The action made Olivers head spin- Spinnies taking effect, as Matt would say. The room jolting from left to right like a bad Disney world ride, Ears ringing like everything is unbearably loud, his body began to sway. Eyes fluttering open and closed as he fought for control over his body. He felt Tom's grip loosen, Lanky arm wrapping around his brothers neck he pulled the younger boy closer, He needed Tom to hear him; He felt sick. The kind of sick where you don't want to speak for fear of vomiting. Perhaps if Tom and Matt weren't so fucked, they would have noticed how pale Oliver was.

**"Tommeh.. wheres Amanda?**" He asked against Tom's ear as loud as he could bare. Tom could only laugh, shaking his head as he put an affectionate arm around his elder brother. Much like he thought Oli was doing to him.

**"..I didn't even notice she came out wiv us!**" Icy blue hues met Oliver's blackened eyes, His eyes scrunching up as he laughed as if that was the most hilarious thing he'd ever said. Even as Oli seemed confused by the statement. He couldn't remember a time where he'd heard Tom speak ill of someone, even leaving someone out of a group. He was a completely different person- At least in that moment he was. It confused and sickened Oli, to the point where he he preferred a wall's company to his mates. Tattooed palms pressed against the cold brick as he slid out of the corner of the club, His head down, Taking slow concentrated steps. His lips parted, his palms damp with sweat.

**"I 'fink I need to go 'ome."** He slurred to himself, Pressing the ball of his heel into his right eye. Attempting to swallow the dry and scratched up lump in his throat. His mouth felt like he'd eaten sand- and right then and there, he swore he was going to die. His stomach lurched so violently, Oli was surprised when nothing came up. He could only bend slightly, his shoulder resting against the wall of the club as his arms hung by his sides. He just had to find Amanda.

Amanda couldn't believe she had turned down a free hit. It was right there, within her reach and she turned it down because of Oliver! That knob head with his stupid dough eyes. She honestly didn't know weather she was mad at herself or Oli. She wanted to be high, nothing else. If only he'd stop looking at her like a lost puppy- They weren't 18 anymore. She let out a frustrated sigh from red painted lips, Eyes half lidded with boredom as she considered leaving altogether. The girls were just talking about who fucked who- and honestly, it didn't matter to her anymore. She'd been in the Bring me the Horizon bus before.. and those lads loved detail.

**"'Ey Amanda. Ain't that Oli?"** The mention of her lover boy's name laced with a snicker only brought dread to her gut. What was he doing now- Probably making a fool out of himself as per usual. At least he wasn't making a fool of her. Turning her head, Icy hues met with her Oliver indeed. Pressed into a tight corner with his shoulders keeping him upright, His face was whiter than the paint on the wall behind him. Sweat creating a sheen on his skin. Her brows laced together with concern, He hadn't had a white out or greenies in months; He was more tolerant of things these days.

**"Oli?"** She called, His head slowly lifting. Eyes half closed and almost lacking in color completely. Despite his appearance, a wide smile broke out over his face, a look of genuine written across his features. His hands lifting to meet Amanda's skinny form.

**"'Ello love.**" He beamed as Amanda approached him, Finding comfort within her cold hands placed against his cheeks. His own tattooed palms resting on her narrow hips; the heat from his hands burning into her very bones. Despite feeling like he'd been hit by a car and suffered a severe head wound- Oli was just happy he wasn't.. Feeling. Since the band had kicked off- His mind had become his worst enemy. He felt guilt for things that weren't his fault. He felt like he'd stabbed his best friends in the back- perhaps he had, but the guilt was slowly killing him. Thanks to touring- he simply no longer wanted to be alone. Weather that meant being high or drunk was another question, but it stopped the horrid helplessness and pain that wracked his body every day that he fought to simply get out of bed.

**"Oli what did Matt give ya?"** Her brows knitted together in an angry expression. This was unlike her, Acting all motherly. Acting like she gave a damn what happened to him.. And she hated herself for it. He simply shook his head, Grin breaking out over his lips as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She growled through her teeth, Ducking away from his affections to stand away from him, a look of disgust on her face.

**"Oliver I ain't playin' around, You look like shit."** That one caught his attention- She was one to talk, being underweight and pasty as hell. Bags under her eyes like she hadn't slept in a week. Oliver certainly didn't look any better, His cheeks sunken in, lids half closed like he just didn't care anymore. His limbs seemed to look more and more like twigs hidden among rolls and rolls of over sized clothing, but hell, she'd looked worse at parties; Covered in her own sick. He couldn't help feel as if double standards were all too common in their relationship. His dark brows furrowed in anger, his cheeks flexing as his teeth clenched.

Before he could even reply to her, his lips parted to speak- He could only see a flash of brown as she turned her back on him. Walking away from him without so much as a glance over her shoulder, Leaving Oliver in his high state alone to the mercy of his own sense of direction.


	3. Everything I touch turns to stone

The past few years had been tough on Oli, up until he had met Amanda that is. Her Chrystal eyes and beautiful smile, admiration and love evident in her eyes when she looked at him, best friends as well as lovers. Perhaps she wasn't the best influence on him, yet, he certainly _felt _better. Before meeting her he was just the _'shy singer of a crap band from Sheffield that looked like a right fag'_. It was thanks to her that Oli gained the confidence to start being_ himself_ around people again—It was also her that brought him into her circle of friends, friends who liked to do all kinds of drugs and drink themselves sick; but it's not like he didn't enjoy it, he could have said no.

Oli's mind was a strange place, even without drugs—while people forgot about their pasts, he couldn't seem to let go. His friend slaughtered with a scythe by his peers, getting bullied terribly day in and day out, Heartbreak, dealing with his own demons, the sleep paralysis, the things that he had seen in his life and that one terrible night in which he did something awful, something he still hadn't told anyone about to this day. Something he believed would leave him completely alone like the monster he saw himself as; the drugs simply soothed the dull ache that constantly resided in his stomach, whether it be guilt or restlessness. Leaving nothing but a _pleasant numb, _Something Oliver had become rather fond of.

Drugs left less of a hangover, at least one he could deal with; Feeling a hole in his stomach and a destroyed throat was how he felt after each show. He could handle it. It was for those reasons that he took the drugs, drank almost every night & hated the very sight of himself. Amanda felt the blame of it regardless; it was her fault things had gotten so bad. He wasn't the same person high, and he wasn't the same person sober, he simply wasn't who she fell in love with anymore. She was beginning to see it more and more, especially as she sat there hopelessly, Sitting cross legged on their shared bed. Merely clutching his jacket and pressing it against her chest. Inhaling deeply to relax herself, eyes staring out at nothing in particular. She couldn't even seem to stop thinking about her next high—Even as Tom rushed around the house, ringing Oli's phone and texting him every two minutes.

**"Fockin' answer the phone ya fockin' knob head!"** Tom shouted down the phone for the 4th time, Matt wasn't awake but Tom couldn't have cared less. His brother was missing and he couldn't even remember how he had got home himself. Worry had given him a headache, when he had risen the first thing he did was check Oli's room. Remembering that he lost the singer at some point last night, he hoped Oli found his way home by himself. He was wrong. Pacing the hallways with an angered expression on his features, he knocked on matt's door harshly.

**"Oi—Get the fock up or I'm throwin' cold water on ya!"** He warned, not in the mood to hear any bullshit excuses about a hangover. They all took the same shit, except for Amanda. Tom walked past Matt's room and back to Oli's; Finding Amanda in the same place on the bed as she was this morning.

**"Ya' didn't see Oli last night did yeh? I didn't see 'im after he focked off." **At first, Amanda didn't answer; remembering all too clearly that she left him clinging to a wall for dear life, No colour in his face, too high to form complete sentences. Guilt flipped her stomach as she lowered her head, pressing the collar of the jacket against her lips and shaking her head.

**"I saw 'em walkin' away from you lot.. only for a minute though.. Then I didn't see him again." **She mumbled it against the fabric; Oli couldn't possibly remember what happened to him after she left. He was too fucked to remember anything—She would have been surprised if he even remembered the car journey there. Tom obviously noticed how she was acting, his brow furrowing as he gave her a weird look. Shutting the door as he walked out, grabbing his phone and dialling Olivers number again as he banged on Matt's door.

Oliver hated the morning after a party.. Waking up was a terrifying experience when he didn't know where he was. Friends and Family knew of his condition, and generally, they managed to get him home safe and sound. Home brought comfort, even when he was at his most afraid and paralyzed, Left to the mercy of his delusions that were caused by his half asleep mind. However, as soon as he became aware of his surroundings, he knew he wasn't home. Under his arms he could feel carpeted floor, his neck ached from using his arm as a pillow, the pointed bones of his hips stung from the pressure of the ground. All he could do was lie there, listening for something, anything to soothe his heart that was hammering in his chest.

**"Oliver."** _Oh god no._ His mind had already begun, and he hadn't even been awake that long**. "OLIVER."** The voice got harsher, like a father telling off his son for ignoring him, but it wasn't. It was his own voice, the worst monster that could possibly haunt him. His body tingled as it struggled to regain control from his mind—He couldn't even open his eyes, swallow, or move. His bones aching terribly as they begged for the pain to stop, needing to be freed from the feeling he had suddenly become aware of.

"**OLIVER!" **The voice screamed in his ear—hurting his ears with its volume and striking fear into his heart from the venom dripping off of every syllable. He could feel the warmth of a body, many bodies, pressing against him. Suffocating him like they had crawled all over him, his chest feeling crushed, he found it hard to breath. He wanted to scream, he wanted to open his eyes and show his mind that nothing was there. He felt fingers touch the flesh of his throat, wrapping around his thin neck and squeezing, its clawed thumb scratching down his cheek and colliding with the tear that just slipped out from under closed eyes.

**"JUNKIE.. YA' WORTHLESS, FOCKIN' ALCO, JUST LIKE YA' DAD! FOCKIN' ANOREXIC LITTLE CUNT, JUST DIE!" **It screamed into his ear, voice scratched with emotion and pain as it squeezed his throat, choking air from his lungs, His arms lying helplessly at his sides as he simply waited for the demon to be finished with him. The words hurt the most because they knew they were true, his own mind wouldn't lie to him; and honestly, it was how he would describe himself too. His expression stony as he lay on the ground, feeling the air squeezed from him, tears slipping down his cheeks and falling onto his arm, His breathing coming out in small, desperate gasps. It screeched, squeezing harshly at his throat. Stopping Oli's breath completely until he could see stars on his eyelids, the only thing he could see. He could feel the cold air hitting his cheeks and arm, but could do nothing about it. Not even shiver, his breathing halted, coming out as nothing more than a wheeze**. **

**"JUST DIE. "** It spat, a slight tone that simply begged, Oliver felt his heart stop.

**"Oi, Oli! Snap out of it!"** Oliver sat up with a harsh gasp, his throat scratched, he wheezed and coughed. Tattooed palm placed to his chest to feel for his own heartbeat. His brother's palms slipping from his shoulders, Dark eyes were wide and frightened as he stared straight ahead of himself. Fingers pawed at his neck to check for hands before he used his wrist to dry his cheeks, swallowing the lump in his throat as he rested his head in his hands. Taking slow deep breaths as a hand pressed against his back, making soothing motions up and down.

**"Oliver, Ya' alright mate?"** Tom's voice broke the silence gently as his brothers breaths became more and more relaxed his head in his hands as he simply sat there and tried to regain composure. Oliver wanted to scream—he hated it when people saw him cry, he hated it more when people made a big deal of things, especially this. Hands dropping into his lap, he let his dark eyes linger on the ugly carpet underneath him. Nodding his head gently and forcing a practised smile; Tom knew all about it after all, the first time it happened Oli had come to Tom frightened and unable to sleep. The brothers had stayed up all night playing sonic and pretending it never happened, just the way Oli liked to keep things.

**"Where am ah?" **The tattooed singer finally asked, his voice cracked and nothing but a whisper. Tom simply crossed his legs and sat across from Oli with a gentle smile on his face.

**"Jordan found ya'. Took ya' to 'is place as he didn't know where ya' lived. He called me when he seen you were still asleep." **Oli simply nodded, he had no idea where Jordan was, but he wanted to thank him when he could. Dark eyes lifted to settle on Tom's features, his brows furrowed in a sad expression thanks to the pleading look his elder brother gave him.

**"All'righ.." **Tom simply nodded, pushing himself up from the floor; Jordan heard the two talking and walked into the sitting room where Oli had passed out, giving Oli a sympathetic look when he saw how defeated he looked. Oli offered a smile, forced, but at least he tried. Jordan noticed but said nothing, giving a genuine and chirpy smile in return. Something Oli could admire.

**"..'Fanks for lettin' me crash mate. I 'adn't even realized ya didn't know were ah lived." **Oli mumbled sheepishly, earning a gentle laugh from Jordan, which soothed Oli just a little bit, His tattooed palm lifting to rest against his upper arm.

**"Don't even worry about it, Oli, couldn't leave you in that state. You looked well sick." **Tom's brows furrowed, his gaze snapping over to Oliver who looked a little guilty. He had said nothing after all, simply suffered in silence and pissed off. Jordan looked between the brothers, confusion evident on his face.

**"I felt a bit shit—It 'appens." **He argued weakly, looking at his brother and Jordan calmly with gentle shrug of his shoulder. Tom looked away, remembering what Amanda has said when he asked her about Oliver, She had only seen him. If Jordan noticed how sick he looked, surely Amanda did too.

**"Do you remember seein' Amanda?" **Oli could only look at the ground, of course he remembered, and it still stung. He simply shrugged, looking at his shoes as he cracked his knuckles and shifted awkwardly on his feet.

**"I would really like to go 'ome now Tom." **Tom knew by his reaction, He saw Amanda last night and she had left him completely alone.


	4. My secrets

liver was silent for the journey home, after informing Jordan of where he lived and apologizing profusely; he couldn't help but feel a embarrassed. Jordan was gracious, happy to help a friend but it left Oli unsettled. He didn't need to be cared for or babied, he was a grown man, but he still appreciated everything Tom and Jordan did for him regardless. Tom kept his eyes on the road as he thought about his brothers relationship. Amanda seemed lost as she sat upon her boyfriends bed, clutching his clothes and smelling he collar; if he didn't know any better he would have thought she was just hopelessly in love with the singer. Her lie this morning simply left a bad taste in his mouth. Why wouldn't she want to help Oli out? Tom's fingers tightened on the steering wheel as he sighed obviously, his elder brother slouched in his seat as he read through the 20 text messages Tom had sent him.

**"So ya' remembah Amanda then?"** Tom mentioned, glancing briefly to Oli as he drove. He could see Oli visibly slump into the seat of the car, his head resting back against it as he looked up toward the roof, his eyes falling shut. He didn't want to talk about it.

**"Leave it Tommeh, yeh?"** Tom shook his head before Oli had even finished speaking. Knowing his brother, he was prepared for a full blown argument when they returned.

**"No Oliver, I won't fockin' leave it. Whot the 'ell was 'er fockin' problem last night?"** Oli could only shrug, thinking back to the car journey; She had said something, giving him a serious look before Tom had interrupted her.

**"She said she were strung out.., 'ell, I don't fockin' know! She said I looked a right fockin' mess then she pissed off to 'ang out wiv 'er mates. I don't fockin' remember any'fin' else. All'righ?"** Oli's voice cracked just slightly, but it was enough to tell Tom how much it hurt him. His brow relaxed from its frown, blue eyes looking at his brothers troubled profile as they stopped in traffic. Silence over came the two of them for a short time, Tom didn't like to see his brother hurt; But Amanda had stepped out of line by putting his brother in danger.

**"She told meh this mornin' that she only saw ye' fer a minute while ye' were walkin' away from Matt'few an' me. She didn't fockin' notice ya' were white as a sheet? Jordan said ya were wonderin' around town- didn't even know who he was. Ya' were a mess Oli, an' ya needed 'er. We looked fockin' everywhere for ya mate, Didn't even see ya' sneak off ya' knob head. "**Oli could only shrug halfheartedly His eyes focused on his phone, a moment of silence over coming him as he took in the info.

**"..Did she ask about meh this mornin'?"** Tom slowly shook his head, watching Oli closely as his brow furrowed. His thin legs crossing over each other as he folded his arms across his chest. His mind giving him a thousand things to ask her when they got back, Anxiety began to claw at his stomach as his mind gave him every scenario possible. She was cheating, She was mad as hell, She knew his secret, She was sick of him. All of them made his chest ache. Tom decided to leave the singer to his thoughts as the traffic lights changed color, giving him a clear road ahead. Oli lived on the outside of town, A house on a hill overlooking the city. Built to his liking with many spare rooms for his countless friends and family, and he liked that a handful of mates lived with him at all times. He hated being alone after all. The brothers were silent as the jeep climbed the small hill up to Oli's house. Tom yanking the hand break as he turned to face his brother.

**"Whot are ya gonna say to 'er?"** Tom mumbled softly, watching his brother as he shoved his phone in his pocket. His shoulders rising and falling in a slight shrug.

**"She's gettin' a peice'a mah mind anyway.. Fockin' bitch."** Oli growled through his teeth, Tom grimaced. He knew Oli could be a right prick when he wanted to be, but he knew Amanda wasn't the innocent party here. As they climbed out of the car, Matt approached them, shirtless, looking wrecked.

**"'Fank fuck fa' that!"** He called as he saw Oli approaching, and although Oli was pissed as hell. He managed a smile, his arm draping over the drummers shoulders as he approached, a triumphant grin on his face. Matt simply elbowed the singer in the gut, causing Oli to laugh and move away from the assault his arm falling back to his side.

**"Nice 'Oudini act last night ya' stupid wankah."** Oli laughed again, Preferring the lighthearted conversation and the much needed distraction. His hands slipped into his pockets as he shrugged, giving Tom a sideways look, a slight smile resting on his lips. Matt simply stared at Oli unimpressed, but with a relieved smile on his face. Though he was a lazy asshole when it came to getting out of bed.. He still helped Tom look for Oli until both the lads simply couldn't walk anymore.

**"'ad a bad trip to be honest wiv ya mate. Don't remembah much."** Matt folded his arms and stared at Oli hard, glacing over to Tom who also gave his brother a look.

**".. Whots wiv the stares eh? Ah'm alive ain't ah?"** Oli's dark eyes moved from his brother to his band mate, his nerves making him paranoid as they simply stared at him.

**"Next time ya 'ave a bad trip-"** Tom began.

**"Don't fockin' sneak off. Tell us."** Matt finished.

**"All right '****_mum an' dad_****' i'll be sure te be 'ome 'fore 12 in'all."** Oli joked, his voice high pitched as he spoke; turning his back to his mates to walk through his front door. Matt and Tom on his heels, laughing as he shook his head at them. The concern was touching- But he lived and breathed for Amanda. He lived to make her happy and see her smile, he loved hearing her talk and watching her get ready in the mornings. There wasn't much about her he didn't love. Which is why all this hurt him so goddamn much. Oli ignored Matt's protests as he made his way upstairs with a light jog, Tom simply silencing the drummer with a shake of his head.

**O**li sighed deeply as he eventually made it to his room and pushed open the door without knocking, it was his house after all. Amanda's head spun around, her eyes focusing on Olivers form. Coat still clutched in her hands as she stared at him without a word. Oli's brows furrowed lightly as he watched her, confused by the fact she was clutching his clothing. Silence over came them, staring at each other as if they were strangers. How had it come to this. Moving forward to sit on the edge of the bed, His back to Amanda as he hung his head.

**"I'm glad yer okay Oli."**

**"Seems like."** He replied coldly, Amanda flinched. He was right, she didn't exactly help Matt or Tom, or even stand up to give the man a hug when he walked in.

**"I'm sorreh."** She mumbled, clutching the coat tighter, as if it were Oli himself.

**"Ya' sound it.**" He liked to make apologies difficult. Especially since she didn't really want to apologize she just didn't want to fight.

**"Oli, come on love."** Oli turned to look over his shoulder, his brows knitted together in a scowl. He pushed brunette locks out off his face as he stared at her hard. Annoyed further when she couldn't seem to look at him.

**"'Come on' fockin' ****_whot_****, Amanda."**

"**Don't be pissed. Please. I said I were sorreh."  
**  
**"****_Sorreh?_**** Sorreh fa' leavin' me trippin' out'a me fockin' mind? I looked like shit cause I ****_felt_****like shit, Amanda. 'Fanks ****_so_**** fockin' much fer carin'."** Amanda sighed, simply looking at her lap, she finally dropped the coat. No longer finding comfort in the smell of its collar. As Oli turned back away from her, he sighed too. This was not their first argument by far- but normally their arguments held passion, often ending with a fiery love making session. Now? Amanda was barely affected by the fact Oli was mad at her.. She just didn't care anymore. The silence was becoming deafening, Amanda's icy hues focused on her boyfriends shoulders as he rested his head in hands.

**"..Yeh don't love meh anymore, Do yeh?"** Oli asked softly, his voice cracking as he said it. Amanda couldn't even say that she was upset that he had come to that conclusion, she still cared for Oli so terribly. She loved him so so much.. but not in the way she had loved him when they were 18. Carefree best friends with infinite trust and passion for each other. A possessive, needy and greedy love that left them breathless. She couldn't speak.. her head shaking as tears rolled down her cheeks. Oli had to turn to face her to get his answer.. his expression dropping as he saw tears staining her numb features. Amanda wished he wasn't for once he was wrong, but he was right. Her disconnection from him.. her lack of love for him. It made sense, she'd just.. fallen out of love with him.

**"..'ow long?"** He whispered against his hands. Amanda wished he hadn't of asked. Things seemed to bubble to the surface so quickly, she had barely noticed the change over the past few months.

**"..A few months maybe."** She answered honestly, seeing his shoulders tremble from the realization that her kisses were forced. Their sex meaningless, his heart becoming pointless.

**"I 'fink you should go, yeh?"** He swallowed the lump in his throat, his voice shaky as he spoke. He appeared stony and cold, expressionless. He felt terribly ill, that he might vomit out his heart at any moment. All he could think about was dropping to his knees and pleading with her not to go like he had done in the past. Just to show her how much she meant to him, but it was pointless, She didn't feel the same anymore. Amanda simply nodded, silence over coming the room as she stood up and walked around the bed. Bending down to press a kiss to his cheek, his own eyes falling shut tightly as her wet cheeks pressed to his. A delicate touch that no longer held any meaning behind it, and it tore his heart into shreds.

**F**or the second time in a week and the last time ever, he watched her walk away from him without looking back once. As the door clicked shut, Oli stared straight ahead of himself. A single tear rolling down his cheek before he buried his head in his hands, fingers pulling at his hair as a sob escaped him.


	5. Dont Go!

**O**li sat there with his head in his hands for a hours, his mind a complete mess of incoherent thoughts and an inability to grasp what had just happened. In less than an 4 hours, at that. His inked hands shook as they pulled and entwined in his hair, his eyes wide with shock as he stared at the floor; his lips parted as he struggled to breath evenly. His chest hurt, physically, a deep ache that no thoughts could soothe. The room smelt of Amanda, her clothes were strewn all over the floor; It was suffocating, he had to get out.

_I_n a rush, Oli stood up and marched out the door, making a B line for the garden. He could hear Tom and Matt chattering down the hall, but he ignored them. Obviously Amanda had passed them to leave the house, he didn't want to hear her name on their lips or see the look of pity on their faces. As he stepped outside, his messy hair blew out of his eyes, cooling his face with a gentle breeze as he stood there; staring into the skyline of the city. He felt powerless.. Unable to express how he felt because the English language just didn't have the words for it. Amanda had left with only a little fight- leaving his frustrations bottled deep inside.

**"..Oli."** He had expected that Tom would come once he heard Oli move from his bedroom, he knew his brother after all. Just as Tom knew Oli, A compulsive man with a terrible mind.. A terrible mind and a broken heart, now. When Tom received no answer, He took a step closer to his brother who still had his back turned to him. Tom sometimes feared oli when he was upset, he had a tendency to surprise everyone; sometimes he would calmly walk away from a situation, other times he would dwell on it until he drove himself mad, getting angrier and angrier by the second.

**"..'Ow ya' doin' mate.. Ehm, She told us every'fink before she left.. D-do ya wanna talk about et?"** Tom called nervously, and for very good reason. He kept his distance from his trembling older brother; His hands balling into his fists as his head seemed to hang. Tom held his breath. All too suddenly, Oliver turned, facing his brother with an angered expression and taking heavy and deliberate steps toward the younger male with a few speedy strides. Tom moved aside the doorway, hoping that Oli wasn't aiming for him with whatever purpose he had. Oli didn't lift his head any as he propelled forward, his path back to his room evident as he seemed to get faster, Passing tom without a glance in his direction.

**"Oli!"** Tom called after him, Having to run to catch up to Oliver by the time he had realized what had happened. He could hear crashes before he reached the room, door swung wide open as Oli tore his room apart, kicking over furniture, smashing things against the wall. Oliver started yelling, tearing down photographs and slicing his fingers on the edges of the paper.

**"'DO YOU WANNA TALK ABOU' EH, 'OW DOES THAT MAKE YA' FEEL.' Ya sound like ma' 'ferapist Tom, NO, I don't wanna talk abou' 'et- AH NEVAH WANNA SEE 'ER AGAIN, Ya 'ear me?!"** He growled, Pausing to face tom, A broken expression on his face.

**"'Ah Loved 'er wiv me heart 'an soul an she-"** When he couldn't finish his sentence he paused, His bleeding fingers sliding into his hair as he pulled the brunette locks. His teeth bared as he fought tears.

**"..An' she doesn't love me anymore.."** His voice cracked with the realization and suddenly he didn't have the strength to stand anymore, Tom rushed forward to meet Oli as he fell to his knees. Afraid to touch the tattooed singer for fear he'd get angry again; but when he heard Oli take in a sharp breath as he struggled to stay in control, he placed his palm on Oli's back. Oli rocked on his heels, his head hanging low. He could feel eyes on him and he knew Matt had come up to see what had happened when he started breaking the room into pieces.

-

**O**li had stayed in the same place for awhile as Tom and Matt picked up the broken pieces of his room and threw Amanda's things into boxes, they had ordered Oli to stay put until they cleared the room of broken glass and splintered wood. So he just sat there in the corner in silence, the company making him feel a little less broken. Silence had overtaken the room as the boys worked on their tasks, unsure of what to say to Oli after the emotions he showed not a few hours ago. The room finally cleared of Debris, Matt sighed as he sat on the bed. Tom cracking his neck as he stood straight for the first time in ages. Oli glanced up at his younger brother and best friend, a look of guilt on his face.

**"Ah'm really sorreh 'bout that lads..'Fanks for clearin' it all up. Ah should'a done that me'self."**Matt laughed gently as Tom offered a smile, Slumping down on the floor beside Oli and star fishing out.

**"Forgeh abou' eh man. Wha' do ya' feel like doin' eh?"** Oli kicked Tom's leg gently, Making the boy groan and sit up on his elbows, looking at his brother oddly. Matt wondered what Oli would say- Whether he wanted to get high or drunk, he knew the singer would want to get out of his own head at least.

**"Honestleh' ah 'ave no clue, Maybeh-"** Oli was cut off by the sound of Limp Bizkit playing loudly from his phone. The phone screaming 'Break stuff' as it vibrated against the wooden floor panels. The words 'Mum' Popping up on screen.

**"Fooooocccckkkiiittt."** Oli whined, staring at it like it was an alien. Tom scratched his head and pulled a face, knowing Oli was in trouble with her for something or another. Matt nudged Oli's knee with his van's, nodding his head toward the object.

**"Don't ignore ya' ****_mum_****!"** Oli sighed and picked up the phone, pressing the slide to unlock button and sliding it across, the phone automatically answering.  
"_Oliver?_"

**"'ello mum."** He replied nervously.

"_Don't you 'Ello mum' me, You knob-head! Where 'ave ya been, eh? Ah been callin' ya fer days!_"

**"Sorreh.. I were a bit of a mess."** He replied softly.

".._Why wha's 'appened?_" She asked, voice filled with concern. Oliver swallowed hard.

**"..Amanda left me."** Silence, Not even a gasp. Oli paused, looking up from his lap.

**"Mum?"** The silence was drawn out, Weird.

".._Oh- yeh, Sorreh Oli I were just surprised.. Are ya' alright, love?_" She didn't sound surprised.

**"Ah been a lot better, but 'ah got Tommeh and Matt 'ere keepin' me company."**

".._Alright Oli, Stay away from the Alcohol, Ya' hear me?! Ya don't want to break a 4 month sober streak, Do ya_?" That hit a nerve, Oli had been lying to his mother for awhile about his sobriety, Lucky for him, she had no clue about the drugs. Or the fact that Tom had been dragged into the mess. Shutting his eyes tightly, his voice cracked, guilt making his stomach turn as he lied again.

**"No, mum."**

"_Good boy, I'll call you back later, Answer me next time you bloody git; Or I'll just come looking for you and you don't want that, do you?_" Oli couldn't help the little smile that appeared on his face.

**"Nah, yer alright 'ma.. 'raver get dragged out'a bed by a bear."** He joked softly, His mother laughing gently.

"_Alright love, Talk later, Chin up. I love you_."

**"You too, bye mum."** Oli hung up, making a weird face at the phone before he placed it back in his pocket, Looking at the ground before a heavy sigh left his lips. His fingers pushing locks of brunette out of his eyes before Tom nudged him with his elbow. Getting Oli's attention only to nod his head toward Matt who was currently emptying white powder from a small bag onto the coffee table. Using a razor to cut the lines of coke into 3, looking up at his mates with a grin. Oli's dark eyes focused upon the drug, and _he forgot everything._


End file.
